Recently I’ve been feeling accosted by peeps who are very intense about their new-trend diets. Apparently if I do the things their diet lifestyles ask of me, I will be cured in general, and I can skip purgatory. If I don’t, I am bad and my body will disintegrate within a matter of days into zombie flesh. It doesn’t sound quite right, but maybe I’ve been unfair in my skepticism and, I admit, occasional hostility. I’ve decided to give a range of new and old diet approaches a try over winter break, one day at a time as follows:

Day 1. Raw. We will sprout things in jars and eat lukewarm gruels. Also flower petals.

Day 2. Vegan. We’ll eat seitan roast and pretend we like it, and also try to say its name in a way that doesn’t make us think of the master of evil, while having deep insights about why vegans seem to feel such a desperate need to make their not-meat look like meat.

Day 3. Real Paleo. Not the trendsetting modern approach but hard core, I.e. no cultivated foods and only wild kill beasts. For this day I will send the kids out back with a sharp multi tool they can use to pull up random vegetable matter (using their paleo caveman sixth sense to avoid poisonous things) or to kill small game. I think the squirrels look healthy this winter. Bonus: no toilet paper.

Day 4. Supermodel. No food. One hungry day. Because skinny is the new skinny.

Day 5. GAPS (Gut And Psychology Syndrome). We each get the giblet sac from a whole (grass fed organic free range) turkey’s ass and some cracked beef ribs so we can suck out the marrows. Also sauerkraut.

Day 6. Atkins. During which I will give each of us salad greens, microscopic portions of fish, and a stick of butter on a stick.

Day 7. Carbo-Load, aka the 80’s runners diet. This is the one I’m most familiar with. Fill our 18-gallon tin tub with noodles. Dessert: bagels.

Day 8. Gluten-Free. I guess I could call this “the rice flour day,” but to honor American G-frees we’ll also eat really bad-tasting cookies made out of spelt and quinoa.

Day 9. Dessicant. Really? You haven’t heard of this one? It’s pretty new. Only dried foods. Meat jerkies and dried fruits.

Day 10. Weightwatchers. This may be especially hard for the kids. Eat whatever you want, but you better be able to spell it or draw it, because you’re gonna journal it, dammit!

Day 11. Buddy the Elf. All 4 food groups (Candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup). Because Christmas. Bonus points if you get your Iggy on and spend the day shirtless, wiggling strangely while you croon

Candy candy candy
I can’t let you gooo
All my life you’ve haunted me
I love you soooo…

On the 12th day we’ll rediscover our humanity, end the charade, and eat an old-fashioned Korean feast, which is to say REAL food, rich in tradition and spice and vegetables; well-rounded and inclusive but reflecting moderation, especially with respect to animal flesh; and just plain tasty. AND good for days of leftovers. You can’t beat that.