Grumpy about swimming pool noodles

Those long foam noodles are so much fun in a pool. You can relax on one stuck between your legs or under your pits, tie them around a waist and keep a kid afloat, whack someone over the head without imparting too much pain, drag a kid around on one, and — if you’re not grossed out about germs — put your mouth to the end of a hollow-core noodle and blow a fountain all over someone who’s staying dry poolside.

All that is great unless you’ve got a noodle that’s been at the JCC pool for several months, in which case it’s gross with moldy stuff and heaven knows how much fecal matter has embedded itself in those foamy pores. My OCD meter hits emergency red when I have to deal with public-use pool noodles.

But right now I’m grumpy about noodles because I took a photo. Jesse is in SUCH a good mood today! I’m just thrilled when a peachy day like this comes along. She was having so much fun playing before her swim lesson, so I snapped a shot of her relaxing on a noodle. But instead of collecting a sweet little memory, this is what I got:


I know, I know, it just looks like a little girl floating on a noodle and I need to wash my dirty mind out with soap. And this cup, which I saw at Target a few years ago, is just a princess cup with a built in straw:


I wonder what these princesses think about.

today’s pet peeves

I’m still shedding my end-of-winter blues. I woke up this morning and stretched, and I felt the tired old blues skin crack a little more, and then I felt myself starting to wriggle out. Either that, or I was actually wriggling because Nick was poking my ass energetically and painfully with his toes to try to get me out of bed. Either way, I felt cheerful and grumpy.  Graaaaahwwaaah. I was humming away in the shower —

Yes! I got to take a shower! Nick didn’t even come into the bathroom and give me the creepy four-year-old love-my-naked-mommy ogle. Instead he watched a Dora-la-explorer DVD that he grabbed at the library last week. I hate watching Dora. I feel like I’m trapped in a null void when I’m forced to see that cheap, bad animation.

So I was humming away happily, soaping up my armpits, and without any provocation my mind slowly filled with a bunch of little things that irritate me. This is a good sign! Tomorrow I’m sure I’ll be annoyed by other stuff, but here are the random pet peeves I chewed on this morning in the shower:

1. Jessica Smith saying to me during that blasted exercise video that’s kicking my ass, “smiling burns more calories!” Bullshit. But thank you for an excellent workout, which sometimes leaves me unable to lower myself onto the toilet without hanging onto something.

2. The fact that I’m using exercise videos off All Fitness TV (Roku!) at all to get fit. What can I say. I’m 47. It’s been a long winter. This may actually go well past pet peeve into the zone of “total humiliation.”

3. Writers who write about writing, including songwriters who write songs about writing songs.

4. Rock stars singing about the hell of touring, it’s just so awful. Pull-lease.

5.  Artists who make art about making art, including self-portraits that depict the artist arting in the medium of his or her choice.

6. Movies about making or acting in movies.

7. Food Network chefs who smile at the camera while they’re chopping onions, and who say “mmmm” like their food always tastes good. I want to see the out-takes.

8. The music video for that song, something about a jar of hearts, by the lady whose name I can’t remember. The song was an okay pop song, but the video ruined it forever because the video is too embarrassing for words (except these). Just, why?

9. The fact that this is looking like a list, and lists are a serious pet peeve of mine. Shit shit shit.

10. Hypocrisy. It’s really hard to be consistent. I’m moving on.

Here’s wishing everyone a wonderful, sunny, grumpy day, full of much head-shaking and embarrassing self-reflection. Cheers!