I haven’t dropped a post in a while. I’ve been in a funk. Things are heading sour for Jesse at school and I’m depressed about having to push my head through her teacher’s disfunction in dealing with her. I’m emotionally raw about it and unprepared for the quasi-adversarial battle that seems to be required to get a well-seasoned elementary school teacher to sing a different tune. Plus the school nurse called about updating Jesse’s health plan to include stuff about anxiety, because the teacher had called her instead of me to ask about strategies. This set me off, since I thought I had a good informal working relationship with the teacher so it surprised me that she back-channeled me. Then the nurse called back advocating for NOT including anxiety and dealing directly with the teacher (which is what I was doing in the first place), but only after I already met with Jesse’s therapist about it, incurring cost and wasting a session that Jesse desperately could have used with him.

I hate that school staff think they know my daughter better than me. Nonsense. It’s incredibly dismissive and disrespectful. They should listen to me more and lecture me less. It just gets me all worked up. I’m strung out by Jesse’s strung out behavior about school. I feel unappreciated. I accomplish nothing to be proud of. I screamed at the kids and Anthony yesterday morning and then I went to the basement and sulked for a good hour. I peed my pants (just a little) when I demo’ed a flying front snap kick into the leaf pile in the afternoon. My life sucks. (Except for all the parts of it that don’t, but please don’t interrupt because I’m busy feeling sorry for myself here, okay?)

Still, I think what grinds me down most some days is the relentless string of bizarre comments and questions that issue from Nick’s mouth. It’s so irritating and yet too cute to get mad about, which creates a strange dissonance in my mind. Some days, it’s crushing. The following were lifted verbatim from just one morning – merely a sampler of the constant tittle tattle:

Mommy, what if all the people were gone? Then what if you were born and there was nobody to teach you? How would you learn reading? Or manners… What if there was no tae kwon do?

What if you fell in love with an apple. Can people fall in love with apples? That is silly.

What if Madeline had only wings? No, what if she was ONLY wings? That would be weird.

What if after 1000 days? Would it be winter? [sweetie, it’ll feel like winter in about 45 to 60 days.] Then we will have a new number like four or three?

How much HALLOWEEN will I have at my school? [not sure what you mean, buddy.] How many halloweens will pass? [5 before you’re done with elementary school.] FIVE?? Today??

Madeline is gonna fall in love with her foot. Then she will have baby feet.

Remember when a sister and a sister fell in love with a sister and a sister?

Are you married to poop?

You are never alone mommy. There is always the spirits.

* * * *

Gaining deep insights, one nonsensical moment at a time.