adventures from the homefront, COVID-19 edition, episode 15: soundbites

What’s being said in my house doesn’t seem any more crazy than what’s being said by Wisconsin’s legislative and judicial power-holders. Here’s a sampler from my home.

* * * * *

Try to kill him with a helicopter! Try to kill him with a helicopter!  [long pause.] Yeah you killed him. Okay cool.  I’m still on my hunt for toilets, by the way.

Deadpool with a mask on just killed me.

* * * * *

I’m too fat to take my meds.  See? Drinking water makes me feel so fat.  THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

[In a screaming whisper:] Your father is in the basement trying to record classes!  Please stop yelling! Stop it now! Stop it!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGAAAAAAAAH

[Now yelling:] BE QUIET BECAUSE YOUR FATHER NEEDS US TO BE QUIET.

* * * * *

[Nick makes farting noises for a long time.] You know what it’s called, mom? Realistic butt scratching simulator.

* * * * *

Mom, what is multiplication.

Nick, stop.

Multiplication defies reality!

No, multiplication describes reality.

What? No, multiplication defies reality! Because some things you can’t multiply, like babies!

MULTIPLICATION IS A HUMAN CONSTRUCT. JUST DO YOUR MATH.

* * * * *

Mom. Can I file a law soup against the president?

* * * * *

Wanna ride a skateboard, mom?

No.

Why?

Because I don’t want to die.

I ride a skateboard.

Even I rode a skateboard when I was a kid.

Then why aren’t you dead?

* * * * *

The Golden Gate Bridge is a Suspicious Bridge.

* * * * *

[Anthony, focused on the Nintendo switch, thumbs busy:] If I’m gonna play any more of this game with you, I’m gonna need a beer.

Now THAT’s the dad I wanna play with!

* * * * *

[Jesse sings to the theme song from Lion King:]
It’s the ciiiiiircle of liiiiiiife
and death is inevitable.

 

 

 

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