Our renovation plan is SO BIG that we have to finance some of it, because we are not rich as Roosevelt. We’re using a curious mortgage product offered by Fannie Mae (which is to say, if a big bank gives us a loan that fits the profile, Fannie Mae will buy the loan and the bank bears no risk). It’s an interesting way to finance a large renovation. We’re basically refinancing our existing mortgage to a larger number, based on an appraiser’s assessment of the future hypothetical value of the home when the work is complete. There’s just one closing right before the work starts, instead of having to do a construction loan and then convert all the debt over to a traditional mortgage when the work is all done. It’s kind of cool, easier and a lot less risky than the more common construction-loan-converting-to-a-traditional-mortgage approach. There are down sides, but this is the right approach for us and with rates so low it was an easy choice.

Yaaaaaaaawn…. zzzzzzzz.

Hey you. Wake up.

I know. It’s boring. It’s a little technical for me too, but I’ve had my head buried in this shit for months now and I’m finally deflating like an old birthday balloon. Getting things lined up to close on this loan is starting to feel like putting the camel’s ass through the freaking eye of the needle, and I almost want to walk away. There’s all the financial documentation to collect, and there’s all the contractor documentation, and the appraisal, and the bid reviewer (aka, backseat driver on the project who works for the bank and controls the purse on draws), and dealing with the loan processor and (indirectly) the underwriter as well. It’s all so anal retentive. You’d think it would be easier for Anthony and me. We have good income, and even better debt-to-income ratio, i.e, our only debt is our modest mortgage. We have savings. We have incredible credit scores. But we still have to jump through hoops like circus animals.

There’s still the part of me that knows we have a 99% probability of closing on this loan in 2 weeks, despite my misgivings. Of course, I thought it would be in one week for sure, but now it’s not. So never mind that 99% certainty, which I felt just a day or two ago. Nix that. New 99% certainty on hand. Because once you’ve jumped in this rabbit hole, there are so many emotional, physical, and financial sunk costs that it gets really hard to back out. They have us by our figurative nuts. So there’s a 99% probability something will happen, whether it’s closing on this loan and getting the fucking project going already, or me bawling like a baby for three days straight because my dreams have crumbled to ashes.

At this point, I’m not sure which would be worse.

* * * * * * *

I was going to sit here tonight taking care of some paperwork relating to the construction project, but I’m just too depressed by the bullshit swirling around financing issues. Thankfully, my cousin posted up a viral list on Facebook.  “Every answer must start with the first letter of your first name!” I don’t know why, but I stared at that list with a stink eye for a good long while. Here’s what I thought as I stared at it, the line items commingling in my head with all the grumpy agite I feel about this stupid construction project.

First name : CARLA. Easy. that’s me.  That’s not a Challenging start. That’s stupid.

An animal: CATTLE.  AKA, people seeking financing for renovation projects.

A boys name:  CARL. Because C is for Carla, that’s good enough for me, OOOOH Carla Carla Carla starts with C.

A girls name: Hey wait a minute. How is this different from first name? Oh. Oh, my bad. Sorry, I lost the thread. First name Carla tells me what letter all the other words start with. Check.  ( … heeeey, that starts with C too!)

An occupation: Contractor. Duh. We have an awesome, awesome design/build Chick named Kristi driving our renovation train. Sure, she’s K — but very close to C really, it’s all there phonemically.

A color: Cream. The Color the prior owners painted all of our walls — brownish Creams, yellowish Cremes, greenish Cremes. It Could not be more depressing or hideous. The whole house is so boring Cream that it makes me want to sCream. I am renovating our entire house in order to justify repainting the walls some Color other than Cream.

Something you wear: Coveralls, because I’m painting the walls interesting Colors someday soon.

A drink: Caffeine. Yes, that Counts. It can be in Coffee or soda, I won’t Care when we’re in the middle of the Construction project. I’m gonna hit the Counter of whatever shop I’m at and place my order thusly. “I’d like a large double caffeine, please, no lid.”

A type of food: Damn, I can’t say Korean unless I misspell it. Ah. Carry-out. What we’ll be eating a lot of if my 99% probability Comes to pass.

Something found in the bathroom: Ceramic tile. Everywhere. Which I hope to lay myself unless the mortgage company requires that a bonded Contractor do it. Isn’t the fact that I live in emotional bondage enough to qualify me?? Apparently not.

A place: Cave. Where I will want to be in a Couple months. Oh, even better. Cape Hatteras. I hope to be there in July.

A reason to be late: Cholera. Really, that’s what I thought. That’s all I’ve got on this one.

Something you shout out: Collapsing! Collapsing!!! (while having a nightmare about what happens to our roof when they pull out the wall on that side of our house.)

I will take deep Calming breaths and try to stay Coooool for as many days as it takes us to get to Closing on our Construction loan.

Cheers.