I’m torn between grumpy and entertained whenever I see one of those list drills that invite you to share random — and sometimes pitiful — bits of personal information with your on-line friends. And strangers, total strangers. And also marketers and manufacturers and retailers. And the US government. Chinese spies. Because why wouldn’t you want that all out there? Why wouldn’t you want the whole world to know what you’re thinking about and how your mind works? What kind of crazy person shares all kinds of deeply personal and probably humiliating information in public places?
I did a list earlier this year that was sort of like a scavenger hunt in my mind. “Every answer must start with the first letter of your name.” Fun times, fun times.
I recently ran across a new list, an A-to-Z list. Way, way more tricky than first-letter-of-my-name, I thought at first, but then I realized I don’t have to actually come up with words starting with each letter of the alphabet so it’s just a gimmick. Still, here I sit, engaging in Extreme Avoidance and dreaming about a kitchen with actual appliances.
Anthony has just one home improvement dream. His whole life, he’s never lived in a house, apartment, or dump with a refrigerator that dispenses ice or water. It’s all he wants out of this entire project. So we are getting a refrigerator that has a water/ice dispenser built into the door. I think after it’s installed, Anthony will stand in front of that fridge and drink glass after glass of iced water until he pukes. Fortunately, the fridge will be right next to the door to the back yard, so he can just turn to his left and pull open the door before he blows.
I give the kids two months before they break the water and ice dispenser, thus dashing Daddy’s dreams once more.
Still procrastinating. I better do this A-to-Z thing.
A- Age: What crazy-ass ads am I going to see in my Facebook feed and on yahoo, based on my age? What do I want to see…? Huh. I’m 14. Again.
B- Biggest Fear: Losing a digit, limb, or large amount of blood to a power tool. That would Blow.
C- Current Time: Well I can’t answer this rightly, can I. The category isn’t specific enough. The current time as I type? When I publish this post? When you, dear reader, read it? Where I’m located? 100 longitudinal lines to the west? Or does the category maker have something else in mind — not the human construct displayed on clock faces, but some sort of socio-political statement? It’s currently time to ADMIT GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL. It’s currently time to GET DONALD TRUMP OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE. I Can’t answer this one.
D- Drink you last had: I think this is getting at alcoholic beverages, but I’m not sure. If it means liquid beverage, wouldn’t the category maker say “last thing you drank?” Ah, but then that would mess up the “D” start. Does coffee count? Is it “a drink”? I think not. Drat. (Tequila. I’ll say tequila.)
E- Easiest Person to talk to: Everyone. I’m good with everyone. Or no one. Either way is good.
F- Favorite Song: Almost anything by PJ Harvey. Or maybe Zepp. I don’t know. What kind of stupid category is this? How can a person just have one favorite song? Anyone who just has one favorite song needs to branch out a little. I refuse to answer this one. Fail.
G- Ghosts, are they real: Of course not. Gah. And anyway, I’m not afraid of them.
H- Hometown: This is always really hard for me. I was in Seoul, Korea from 0 to 10, and then Stockton, Calfiornia from 10 to 18. I left for college and never came back to live in Stockton, though my mom and a brother still live there. Who knows? I guess it’s Stockton, because that’s where my High School Homies are from.
I- In love with: My own Id. You didn’t know that already?
J- Jealous Of: Contented people who exist within the 25th to 75th percentiles. Just… Why?
K- Killed Someone? What the fuck? What kind of question is that? Is there more than one option for answering this on-line?? NO, just no. No, I’ve never killed anyone. oh-K?
L- Last time you cried? Now. Right now. Left eye only.
M- Middle Name: Now this is one of those questions that might be what this entire category thing is all about. I hypothesize that the category maker is actually a debt collection agency. it wants to find out middle names of peeps so that it can determine if you’re the one it’s looking for. Wait, new hypothesis. Category maker is a consortium of hackers looking for possible passwords. Anyway, my middle name is Mary. No, it’s Mango. No, it’s Marmaduke. And my favorite song is Madonna’s Material Girl.
N- Number of Siblings: In my world this is actually a somewhat complex question. I grew up with three brothers in the house, but I actually have FIVE brothers and ONE sister. It’s good to be in a place in my head where I’m comfortable acknowledging that reality. It’s New.
O- One Wish: I want an Owl. That is all.
P- Person who you last called: Peter Piper. What, you think I’m going to tell category maker who I’m calling these days?
Q- Question you’re always asked: “What’s that smell?” (Quiet now.)
R – Reason to smile: This one is stumping me right now. Really.
S- Song last sang: One I made up. Does that count? It had to do with something Nick was whining about. Silliness.
T- Time you woke up: I’ve never woken up, not really, not in a deep metaphysical sense. I know it’s time, but my spiritual alarm clock hasn’t gone off yet. Or maybe I’ve never been asleep. It’s like that U2 song that always irritated me. “I’m WIDE AWAAAAAKE! I’m WIDE AWAAAAKE!” bellows Bono. And then, just in case you didn’t understand: “I’m not sleeeeeping.” Thanks for the clarification, Bono Buddy. This list is really starting to Test me.
U- Underwear Color: Seriously, TMI. Hold on, let me check. Burnt Umber.
V- Vacation Destination: Where I’ve been or where I want to go? Impossibly vague category. Frankly, any location where I’m not surrounded by minors would feel like Valhalla right now.
W- Worst Habit: Picking my nose and putting my boogers in my armpits. Oh come on. This should be under “H” for habit, not “W.” It’s so jimmied to fit here. This is the stupidest list ever. Wait. I’ve got it. My worst habit is probably micro-editing.
X- X-Rays you’ve had: Only of my Xyphoid process. It felt so good. Kind of pervie, really.
Y- Your favorite food: This is just like the favorite song thing. How can a person only have one favorite food? Saltine crackers. That’s it. Yes.
Z- Zodiac Sign: I think the zodiac is total silliness. I’ve focused magical energy in my family on Santa and fairies. As for this category, I’ve got Zip. I’ll make up my own sign: Raging Ferret. Perfectly captures my personality traits and height.
So anyway, copy these categories into your Facebook feed and answer them, in order to prove once and for all that you are my true forever friend and not just a parasitic presence in my already-sorry life.
95% of you won’t, and I have no idea why the other 5% would.