grumpy about bad jokes (okay, not really)

I put out a call on Facebook for jokes last night or today. I don’t know which, I’m losing track of time. Life is such a wreck here in my world, what with the interminable construction project and Jesse’s ongoing mental health struggles.

I’ve put out the call before, when I’ve been really down. Give me some jokes! I ask my friends. They always deliver. Laughing at inane silliness is a great cure-all for superficial, first-world depressive episodes. Almost as good as a walk in a wilderness. Also I can always call my brother Mark and ask him to do Rodney Dangerfield impersonations for me. Sometimes he just breaks into them anyway, impromptu.

Which is kind of weird, really, when you think about it too long? But that’s why I adore Mark.

Anyway, here are the jokes peeps posted on Facebook for me, that made me giggle and lightened my heart today. Some of them are inappropriate and not PC. Some of them have made the rounds more than once. Maybe you’ve seen them before, maybe you saw them on my Facebook feed, but here they are anyway so that I don’t lose them. I’ll come back to this post the next time I’m feeling put out and find myself a little less grumpy about the world — not just because the jokes are silly, but because I love that my friends took a moment to put them up for me.

* * * *

Why did the hipster burn his tongue when he sipped his coffee?
Because he didn’t want to wait for it to be cool.

* * * *

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”

* * * *

A lawyer and a Blonde are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The Blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa.” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.” This catches the Blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The Blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.” She asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references … no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the Blonde and hands her $500. The Blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the Blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

* * * *

What do you call a midget clairvoyant who escapes from prison?
A small medium at large.

* * * *

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is a woman, another is black, and the third is hispanic. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The black contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The hispanic contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The female contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” She whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the Mexican to fix the fence.”

* * * *

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “GREEN SIDE UP!”
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!” The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”
The lady asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”
“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.”

[My brother Ted was obsessed with dumb blond jokes for a couple years. I’m not sure what to make of them, but I realize it’s  an iconic thing. I guess you could just replace the word “blond” with “some dumbass.”]

* * * *

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,”My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says:”Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says:”OK, now what?”

* * * *

So, Trump walks into a bar. . . wait, that’s not at all funny.

* * * *

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[Anthony, who usually doesn’t laugh at jokes, says he actually gets this one.]

* * * *

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, and the bartender says, “Wow, that’s really neat. Where’d you get him?”
The parrot says, “Oh, I got him in France. There’s millions of ’em over there.”

* * * *

A guy runs into a doctor’s office and says “Doctor, please help me. I think I’m a moth!”
The doctor says, “But I’m an internist. You clearly need a psychiatrist. Why did you come to see me?”
The guy says, “I had to come in here. Your light was on.”

[The person who posted this must know Jesse and Anthony well.]

* * * *
Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are on a plane that’s about to crash, but there are only three parachutes.
The first passenger yells, “I’m Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can’t afford to die.” He takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Trump, runs screaming, “I’m the smartest man in the world and the next president of America!” He grabs the second parachute and jumps.
The third passenger, Clinton, says to Sanders, “Take the last parachute.”
Sanders answers, “It’s okay, Hillary, there’s a parachute for both of us. The world’s smartest man just took my backpack.”

* * * *

A grandmother is walking with her little grandson on the beach when a huge wave rolls up and sweeps the boy out to sea. She is distraught, falls on her knees and cries out to God, “Please, Lord, save my little grandson! He’s so precious to me! Please, please bring him back to me! I’ll do anything!”
A few minutes later, she is still wailing when the boy washes up onto the beach, coughing and wet but very much alive and well. She is overjoyed, hugs him tightly, and looking up to the heavens, she says, “He had a hat?”

* * * *

Two guys out walking their dogs come upon a bar. They really want to go in for a drink but know they can’t take the dogs in with them. The one guy says, “I’ve got an idea! We’ll put on dark sunglasses and say these are our service dogs.” They agree this is brilliant and the first guy puts on his glasses and walks into the bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Excuse me, no dogs allowed in here.”
The guy responds, “But this is my service dog.”
The bartender eyes the lab/shepherd mix, notices the dark glasses, and asks the guy what he’s drinking.
The second guy puts on his sunglasses and walks in. The bartender says, “Hey, no dogs in here!”
The second guy says, “It’s my service dog.”
The bartender is incredulous and says “A chihuahua? No way!”
The second guy says “What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!!”

* * * *

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A dictator.

* * * *

What do you call a cow that’s just had a baby?
Decalfinated.

* * * *

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
 * * * *
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
 * * * *
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 * * * *
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

* * * *

And a couple peeps posted up images.

Check out the creepy mannequin head scarecrows.  http://www.cnn.com/2015/09/21/travel/japan-mannequin-head-scarecrows-irpt/index.html

And this silliness.

 11137190_10207118309052130_4461785011460893070_n
And for some reason I’m reminded of something a friend posted on my birthday, which told me she understands what goes on in my mind.
11990423_10207049452490759_1693453857485992975_n

It seems to me tonight that not giving a shit, at least in the right ways, is the root of happiness. Sometimes the world wraps itself around my neck and makes me forget this simple truth.

Thank you, my friends, for the gift of some laughs and giggles. A little love goes such a long way. Maybe people don’t suck.

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