Anthony and I have officially finished the stairs. I put down two coats of polyurethane yesterday. Today I did a little finish sanding to smooth the surface, and then I put down the third coat. It turned out pretty good. I didn’t sand very carefully, because we want the stairs not to be as slick as the pro job. The kids keep running into the future new kitchen and biting the dust, their feet flying out from under them — much to their shock and my entertainment. I don’t want that to happen on the stairs.

Here’s what the stairs look like right now (a little blurry of course. I’ve had issues with my iPhone camera for a few months.)

And now I step back a couple feet and to the right, so you can sneak a look up the stairs. I can’t take any pics of the hallway upstairs right now, because that would ruin the wet finish I just put down, duh.

So instead I’ll back up a few more paces to the right. Aw shit. Now you can see the mess of sanding and staining gear at the bottom of the stairs. I wonder when I’ll get around to cleaning that up.

Maybe I’ll back up a few more paces into the living room so I can take a pic where you don’t see that mess anymore.

Shit shit shit.

Now you can see even more mess, and the as-yet-unfinished entryway into future kitchen, and the bits of patched drywall, and the vanity that needs to get upstairs to the future parents’ bathroom.

Maybe I can back up a few more paces, even further into the living room, and get a more picturesque look at everything.

Shit shit shittedy shit.

Totally wretched mess of crap – the tile that hasn’t been laid yet, the ugly light fixture that hasn’t been replaced yet, the boxes of uninstalled light fixtures. Maybe if I turn to my left.

GAH!

Wretched, wretched mess of random furniture and junk, all pulled away from the walls because we were patching the holes from insulation, several weeks ago, and never got around to moving everything back. I wonder what used to be in that red bowl on the sofa, and how long ago?

My iPhone has it right. Everything is really blurry around here.

But at least the stairs are done.

Woke up at 6:30 am on a Sunday to the sound of these words being whispered directly into my ear. “Mommy. Is it good morning time? I’m hungry. Let’s go get bagels.”

Went to Brueggers STAT with Nick to eat bagels for breakfast. Nick only eats the insides torn into small pieces, with a dab of cream cheese on each piece. I do all the work. Good times, good times. At least I got to sneak an egg, since Jesse wasn’t around.

Answered the phone when it rang, while we were sitting at Brueggers. It was Jesse, sounding a little morose. “Mommy, Daddy is still asleep and I’m hungry. What should I do?” I suggested she wake Dad up. “I tried, and he said something, but he won’t wake up.” I told her to make herself some toast and get something to drink. I could feel her mood brightening through the phone. “Oh! Okay!”  When I got home half an hour later, she was happy and Dad was awake.

Wiped off the dark stain we put on our staircase risers yesterday. We made a stupid amateur mistake and put it on too thick and didn’t wipe it off, and it didn’t soak in. I woke up worrying about it and confirmed my fears with some googling and deep memory. No way to finish that tacky mess properly. So we pulled out the mineral spirits and wiped it all off to start over. Sigh. At least an hour putting that stain on yesterday, wasted.

Painted primer on the storm window I’m repairing. Half the bottom sash was rotted out, so about a week ago I dug out the too-soft stuff and impregnated the remaining wood with some sort of liquid hardener. Then I used a magical two-part epoxy that you knead together for a while, and then it acts like clay. I shoved and shaped it onto the existing wood to rebuild the missing wood. It’s ugly as all get-out, but it’s for a second floor window and no one will ever notice after it’s painted.

Grouted the baseboard tiles in the powder room. This required me to mix up only about two cups of grout, and you would think it’s a quickie job, but grouting is too messy to go fast, ever. Since I was doing tiny little joints spaced six inches apart, I filled each joint with my finger instead of using a grout float, and it was just a pain in the ass. And even though I only used 12 ounces of grout, I still went through two big buckets of water to clean off all the excess and dropped grout, and then I had to come back an hour later to rub off the grout haze with cheesecloth. Yeesh. I should have just used some pre-finished fake wood baseboards instead of tile.

Went to Ace Hardware, where they know me very well thanks to my almost-daily visits. They smile and say hi when I walk through the door, but I also think they cringe a little. “What can we help you with today?” I bought some paint, and a gel stain to try again on the stairs, tack cloth, mineral spirits, a new paint brush for putting down polyurethane, brads to attach the kick boards to our kitchen cabinets, a tiny drill bit to pre-drill for those brads, and other stuff I can’t remember.  Supply needs are endless in home improvement work.

Re-stained the staircase risers. I used some sort of dark gel stain this time instead of the runny stuff, maybe a mahogany tone. It was redder than I had anticipated but it turned out well. I guess.

Painted the second coat on the exterior of the sashes for our new kitchen window. I was reminded that double hung windows are the 8th wonder of the world. Whoever came up with that idea deserves a Nobel Prize in something.

Painted a cheap hutch we ordered on-line. This is the picture we saw on-line, and it was described as “celadon green.”

Isn’t that a fun color? It’s exactly the right dimensions for a spot in our new kitchen/dining area, under where the microwave will go. We plan to use it as a sort of coffee and breakfast nook, where we’ll keep the kettle and toaster. We decided the color would bring a nice lively pop of youthful allen-wrench-furniture kitsch into an otherwise grown-up modern kitchen.

Here’s what it actually looked like when it arrived:

Not even close to the same color; just another drab piece. Yawwwwn. Return it and look for something else? I decided on another route to allow for more instant gratification. I got the folks at Ace to match the color in the on-line photo. Easy-peasy. It’ll take a few coats, but I’ll make that cheap hutch a pale tacky green soon enough.

Did touch-up painting on a handful of spots around the exterior of the house. This required me to move a 24-foot extension ladder around, which is always really fun. Even when it’s not extended, it’s very tall compared to my 5-foot frame, so it tends to move me around as much as I move it. Good core work.

And that was a wrap on my Sunday punch list. I feel like such a Jacqueline-of-all-trades these days. I’ll keep punching tomorrow.

With Thanksgiving just a month away, it’s essential that this project wind itself down fast. Things are happening, but we still have a ton of work to do. Anthony and I are doing most of the finish work, and I’m not sure how we’ll get it done in four weeks.

(moment of silence)

I just gagged a little after thinking about the calendar. No worries, I’m fine now. Panic attack under control.

But some things are actually happening. I think the last time I posted a note about the renovation, we were installing kitchen cabinets. That’s pretty much done (except for baseboards and trim, and of course trim is an infinite loop process involving trim, and then the trim to trim out the trim, and then the trim to trim out the trim on the trim, and so on, until everything is finally finished in about a decade, at which point you rip out all the trim for the next redo).

The floors are almost all done. The pros did the kitchen and bedrooms; Anthony and I are doing the hallway and stairs. The pros do it better in a technical sense, but the floors that Anthony and I are working on display more character (i.e., flaws). It’s all good.

Nick’s bedroom before:

And after. Take note of the still ratty hallway flooring in the forefront to have a good idea of what the floors looked like. I’m thrilled that we were able to keep the original flooring.

Formerly Jesse’s room:

Now our future parents’ bedroom. This room grew a lot because of the extension, so they put in new flooring.

Remember the carpeted hallway and stairs?

We ripped that carpet out some time in the antebellum era and lived with this sort of skanky look forever. Not as blurry in real life, but close.

Then Anthony decided to engage in a traditional kowtow-sanding ritual.

we sanded everything down.

And then did a two-tone stain with dark risers.

It still needs to be varnished, and then it won’t be so, um, unattractive. The head on the newel post came with the house. Have I mentioned that I suggested taking a sawzall to her neck when we first saw the house? I was wrong-headed, of course. She’s creepy looking, but the kids don’t mind her at all and I think she’s supposed to be some sort of sea-faring good luck gnome. And anyway, I’m not really sure what’s more creepy — newel post gnome or the stick figures in the background, which my kids apparently drew on the cork calendar.

Remember my old kitchen? All these shots are from almost the same angle and location.

I’m really pleased with the kitchen floors, which are light-colored and have an airy feel. Also, thanks to the sub-floor planks being covered up, construction debris will no longer fall through the cracks into our laundry room in the basement. That’s been going on since July, and it’s one of the things that has sucked the most through the life of this project, because for several months that basement space served as our sole bathroom, kitchen sink, and laundry room. I can’t exaggerate how depressing it was to head into that room at the end of each work day and find a layer of wood chips, nails, and dust on every surface, including our toothbrushes when I forgot to move them to a safe zone. The kids would walk in there and scream. Nick would go outside into the woods to pee. He preferred tics and mosquitos to the filth.

But that was then, and this is now. Lovely lovely.

On the corridor to the basement, we were able to keep a tread edge of original white oak. The flooring guy and I agreed mutually to stain it dark as an accent, and I really like the way it turned out.

We’re still waiting on the kitchen door. Some sort of particle board door is temporarily installed. It floats in the air like a tease, like an unrequited hope, like an unfinished dream, like a, like a… Got it. Like a deconstructed floating cloud of irony.

Our appliances have been delivered. But they’re not hooked up. The range hood was delivered today, but they couldn’t install it because the HVAC guys hadn’t cut a vent hole. So our excitement over having appliances in the house is muted.

Next week, hypothetically, many critical things will happen:

The foundation guy will come re-grade the ground around Ironic Floating Door, and then the carpenter will put in some steps so we can exit the kitchen door without a parachute.

Maybe, just maybe, that fricking particle board door will be replaced with the correct door, which has windows and such. It would be nice if that happens before Wisconsin freezes over, so that I can actually prime and paint it before next spring, and save an expensive door from a raw winter existence.

The counter guy will install counters and the dining bar. Won’t that be something?

The plumber will set up all our appliances with gas lines, water lines, and whatever other lines he thinks we need to hear. Also I think he might be able to install some fixtures.

The electrician will get some finish electrical work in. Pendants! Ceiling fixtures! Outlets!

The HVAC guys will come and do HVAC things. Dryer and shower vents in the basement. A hole in the kitchen wall for the range vent. Other stuff I haven’t thought of, I presume.

The DIY guys (that’s Anthony and me) will get busy in the next week and beyond. We have four weeks to finish the hallway and stairs, finish up our powder room floors, install four sets of closet doors, trim out and finish 7 new windows and 8 new doors, finish and install our home-made table top for the kitchen desk, tile the master bathroom and mudroom, finish and install baseboards all over the place, put down vinyl square flooring in the basement laundry room, make drywall repairs down there, regrade the front porch slab so water doesn’t drain back to the house foundation, retrofit the former built-in china cabinet into a new “built-in” location, and a random assortment of touching-up tasks.

Probably not gonna happen. Maybe I’ll take tomorrow off.

After the kids went to sleep last night, Anthony and I spent two intense hours hunting light fixtures on the internet. What a great way to spend our precious private hours together.

Finding the right light fixture is as hard as finding a Petosky stone on the shores of Lake Michigan. The problem with light fixtures is that they are so capable of being ugly and strange. And also, it always passes that whatever Anthony and I are in the mood for is out of vogue. Right now, we want cobalt blue, like a hardcore blue:

Very clean and simple, a hard pop of color. Simple glass cobalt fixtures were a dime a dozen ten or fifteen years ago, but nowadays anything that’s sturdy and solid is a little more fancy, and the colors tend to be soft and variegated.

Oh well. We ended up getting the last one for our kitchen; I call it “amoeba” blue. In person, it looks a lot prettier.

We hunted ad nauseum for a full dining room chandelier that had handsome blue glass. In desperation, we finally did a yahoo search, “cobalt blue chandelier.” The images that came up were troubling.

Is it possible to fit more ugly into one screen? Look at that Medusa head at the bottom right. Is Chihuly cringing or clapping?

I know lighting is a very personal thing, and there’s no accounting for taste. I know that’s  true for me too. But I hope, desperately, that we can agree that the following items are wrong on many levels.

* * * *

This one is on sale. For $54,700.

Does that do $54K worth of anything for you? To me it looks like they clothed the fixture in snake skin and gargoyles. Creepy.

Not to worry. You can save money and get this less creepy one for just $44,200.

They throw in the umbrella for free, because after paying for the fixture you won’t be able to afford a roof over your dining room.

Still not working for you? Try this beauty for just $16,000. It is named “Invisible” and is described in the sales pitch as follows: “Just…wow. A deconstructed floating cloud of irony, the Castor Invisible Chandelier must of been conjured up within the framework of an overwrought fever dream. Discerningly assembled from hundreds of burnt out light bulbs – with no deference given to type, base or light source – Invisible ‘organizes’ the discarded lamps around energy-efficient LEDs that are discreetly tucked away within the unconventional diffuser.”

Just wow indeed. “A deconstructed floating cloud of irony” is what I think happens when you mix electricians with over-worked designers and weak writers. They must “of” been taking hallucinogens. But really, dear reader, you already know what I think of when I imagine a deconstructed floating cloud of irony:  gas. Post-cabbage.

* * * *

Miss your mommy and need some deep connection to your infant days? Hang a giant yellow nipple from your ceiling. Sixteen-inch-wide trove of mammary memories.

There’s a fair amount of BDSM-ish lighting available. Build your own star chamber dining room, add proper medieval mood lighting. Because who wouldn’t want to be reminded of the inquisition while settling down to a Sunday dinner with the family?

* * * *

I think these are from some sort of Disney-esque collection. First, the crown Angelina Jolie wore in “Malificent.” Or so I imagine.

Next, the medallion from the top of Cinderella’s magical coach.

Too busy, you say? Not to worry, I can out-busy that.

BAM. Isn’t that a lovely, lovely fixture? It has so much to say to guests about you.

* * * *

So does this one. Since one of Jesse’s obsessions involves what happens to people and animals when they are hanged, this seems perfect. I can hang several of these pendants in her room to help her face her obsessions dead on.

* * * *

I call this one “exploding pineapple reference, aka tropical mess.” I don’t know how to keep something like this clean, except with a tiny vacuum hose and a little forced air canister. Or a maid service, which I would undoubtedly be able to afford if I could afford this hideous chandelier.

* * * *

When I look at this next one, I think of the New Year’s Eve ball in Times Square. The crystal cage really ought to move up and down the shaft randomly. I wonder if it could house a couple hamsters.

* * * *

Feeling the need for some nature and plants but don’t feel like going outside or watering something? No worries. These chandeliers can bring nature to you.

A robin made something just like this one in our back yard last summer, so I’m not sure I could justify paying hundreds of dollars for it.

No words, really.

Dude! That same twig is hanging in my dining room! I better go change it out:

Want to spend hundreds of dollars on two-dimensional cut-outs done by a kid? Go for it.

The great thing about the bird fixture is that when you eye it on the on-line retailer selling it, you also get this outline depiction of how big it is.

Very helpful. I can’t imagine eating at a table under a bird. It teaches all the wrong lessons: someday my kids might apply them and decide to eat under a real bird. NEVER eat under a bird. Birds shit all the time. You will end up eating bird shit, and if you have food that’s sauced you might not even notice.

* * * *

These became deformed somehow. It appears the lighting companies still want to sell them.

* * * *

And finally, my favorites.

Stick thing. Because why wouldn’t you encase bulbs in a massive stack of white-painted twigs? Nick made one of these last week in kindergarten. I didn’t know he could sell it for hundreds of dollars.

Baton chandelier. Yes. Batons. I cannot wrap my head around this one.

I like this next one because it can be and do many things. First, it can be your chandelier. Then, if you ever break your neck, you can screw it onto you head as the locking vice for the brace, and it’ll also double as a head lamp. And you can walk around with stiff legs and your arms out, pretending to be a Frankenstein-style monster. This is a versatile fixture.

Grand prize goes to the lighting manufacturer who finally found a way to up-cycle used blood-draw vials.

* * * *

As for us, we’re keeping it simple. I think we’ve settled on this blue dish.

It’s sixteen inches wide, so it’s bigger than it looks. Yes, there is a boob-and-nipple-ish feel to it, but I think it’s less obvious and the blue color will distract from anatomical connections. And I can buy it on Amazon, free shipping. Sold.

I’m torn between grumpy and entertained whenever I see one of those list drills that invite you to share random — and sometimes pitiful — bits of personal information with your on-line friends. And strangers, total strangers. And also marketers and manufacturers and retailers. And the US government. Chinese spies. Because why wouldn’t you want that all out there? Why wouldn’t you want the whole world to know what you’re thinking about and how your mind works? What kind of crazy person shares all kinds of deeply personal and probably humiliating information in public places?

I did a list earlier this year that was sort of like a scavenger hunt in my mind. “Every answer must start with the first letter of your name.” Fun times, fun times.

I recently ran across a new list, an A-to-Z list. Way, way more tricky than first-letter-of-my-name, I thought at first, but then I realized I don’t have to actually come up with words starting with each letter of the alphabet so it’s just a gimmick. Still, here I sit, engaging in Extreme Avoidance and dreaming about a kitchen with actual appliances.

Anthony has just one home improvement dream. His whole life, he’s never lived in a house, apartment, or dump with a refrigerator that dispenses ice or water. It’s all he wants out of this entire project. So we are getting a refrigerator that has a water/ice dispenser built into the door. I think after it’s installed, Anthony will stand in front of that fridge and drink glass after glass of iced water until he pukes. Fortunately, the fridge will be right next to the door to the back yard, so he can just turn to his left and pull open the door before he blows.

I give the kids two months before they break the water and ice dispenser, thus dashing Daddy’s dreams once more.

Still procrastinating. I better do this A-to-Z thing.

A- Age: What crazy-ass ads am I going to see in my Facebook feed and on yahoo, based on my age? What do I want to see…? Huh. I’m 14. Again.

B- Biggest Fear: Losing a digit, limb, or large amount of blood to a power tool. That would Blow.

C- Current Time: Well I can’t answer this rightly, can I. The category isn’t specific enough. The current time as I type? When I publish this post? When you, dear reader, read it? Where I’m located? 100 longitudinal lines to the west? Or does the category maker have something else in mind — not the human construct displayed on clock faces, but some sort of socio-political statement? It’s currently time to ADMIT GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL. It’s currently time to GET DONALD TRUMP OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE. I Can’t answer this one.

D- Drink you last had: I think this is getting at alcoholic beverages, but I’m not sure. If it means liquid beverage, wouldn’t the category maker say “last thing you drank?” Ah, but then that would mess up the “D” start. Does coffee count? Is it “a drink”? I think not. Drat. (Tequila. I’ll say tequila.)

E- Easiest Person to talk to: Everyone. I’m good with everyone. Or no one. Either way is good.

F- Favorite Song: Almost anything by PJ Harvey. Or maybe Zepp. I don’t know. What kind of stupid category is this? How can a person just have one favorite song? Anyone who just has one favorite song needs to branch out a little. I refuse to answer this one. Fail.

G- Ghosts, are they real: Of course not. Gah. And anyway, I’m not afraid of them.

H- Hometown: This is always really hard for me. I was in Seoul, Korea from 0 to 10, and then Stockton, Calfiornia from 10 to 18. I left for college and never came back to live in Stockton, though my mom and a brother still live there.  Who knows? I guess it’s Stockton, because that’s where my High School Homies are from.

I- In love with: My own Id. You didn’t know that already?

J- Jealous Of: Contented people who exist within the 25th to 75th percentiles. Just… Why?

K- Killed Someone? What the fuck? What kind of question is that? Is there more than one option for answering this on-line?? NO, just no. No, I’ve never killed anyone. oh-K?

L- Last time you cried? Now. Right now. Left eye only.

M- Middle Name: Now this is one of those questions that might be what this entire category thing is all about. I hypothesize that the category maker is actually a debt collection agency. it wants to find out middle names of peeps so that it can determine if you’re the one it’s looking for. Wait, new hypothesis. Category maker is a consortium of hackers looking for possible passwords. Anyway, my middle name is Mary. No, it’s Mango. No, it’s Marmaduke. And my favorite song is Madonna’s Material Girl.

N- Number of Siblings: In my world this is actually a somewhat complex question. I grew up with three brothers in the house, but I actually have FIVE brothers and ONE sister. It’s good to be in a place in my head where I’m comfortable acknowledging that reality.  It’s New.

O- One Wish: I want an Owl. That is all.

P- Person who you last called: Peter Piper. What, you think I’m going to tell category maker who I’m calling these days?

Q- Question you’re always asked: “What’s that smell?” (Quiet now.)

R – Reason to smile: This one is stumping me right now. Really.

S- Song last sang: One I made up. Does that count? It had to do with something Nick was whining about. Silliness.

T- Time you woke up: I’ve never woken up, not really, not in a deep metaphysical sense. I know it’s time, but my spiritual alarm clock hasn’t gone off yet. Or maybe I’ve never been asleep. It’s like that U2 song that always irritated me. “I’m WIDE AWAAAAAKE!  I’m WIDE AWAAAAKE!” bellows Bono. And then, just in case you didn’t understand: “I’m not sleeeeeping.” Thanks for the clarification, Bono Buddy.  This list is really starting to Test me.

U- Underwear Color: Seriously, TMI. Hold on, let me check. Burnt Umber.

V- Vacation Destination: Where I’ve been or where I want to go? Impossibly vague category. Frankly, any location where I’m not surrounded by minors would feel like Valhalla right now.

W- Worst Habit: Picking my nose and putting my boogers in my armpits. Oh come on. This should be under “H” for habit, not “W.” It’s so jimmied to fit here. This is the stupidest list ever. Wait. I’ve got it. My worst habit is probably micro-editing.

X- X-Rays you’ve had: Only of my Xyphoid process. It felt so good. Kind of pervie, really.

Y- Your favorite food: This is just like the favorite song thing. How can a person only have one favorite food? Saltine crackers. That’s it. Yes.

Z- Zodiac Sign: I think the zodiac is total silliness. I’ve focused magical energy in my family on Santa and fairies. As for this category, I’ve got Zip. I’ll make up my own sign: Raging Ferret. Perfectly captures my personality traits and height.

So anyway, copy these categories into your Facebook feed and answer them, in order to prove once and for all that you are my true forever friend and not just a parasitic presence in my already-sorry life.

95% of you won’t, and I have no idea why the other 5% would.