I’m taking a short break from tiling, which is kind of back-breaking work and painfully messy. I’ll tell you about that another day. Today, I just left Facebook after watching this 55-second video of two turtles, one of whom turns the other one back over onto her feet:

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I know I should just be thinking things like “awwww” and “that’s so sweet!” and “wow, altruism is the coolest thing ever.”

Instead, these are the thoughts that went through my head as the film rolled. This is what happens when you suffer from racing thoughts.

(5 seconds in)

That’s really flat-looking terrain. What a stupid turtle to somehow manage to get overturned right there… Unless some nasty human being did it. I bet that’s exactly what happened. What is this, footage of circus turtles? Wouldn’t that be the most numbing circus experience ever? Tortoises and sloths. What would PETA say and do?

(9 seconds)

I start imagining a conversation between the two turtles, now named (by me) OT (overturned turtle) and BBT (busy body turtle).

OT: Dude, go away.

BBT: It’s okay, girl, I’ll get you turned the right way. It’s not safe to be on your back when you’re a turtle.

OT: Listen “friend,” we’re in a circus. Or a zoo. Can’t you hear the kids and see the iPhones? We’re not in danger. We’re just trapped in a living hell. They do this to me every fucking day, and you turn me over every fucking day. Today, I want to stay on my back and enjoy some peace.

BBT: Okay, okay, I know you’re a little stressed out, but I got it. Here we go.

OT: Are you simple? Get away from me. I want to be on my back. Stop walking over here. Get away!

(I’ve made it to 22 seconds, where BBT starts to butt OT to turn her back over.)

BBT: It’s okay, I’ll get you fixed up right quick.

OT: GET AWAY! Don’t make me the freak show for all those stupid kids!

BBT: Just another couple pushes here, ugggh. Uggggh.

OT: You SUCK. LEAVE ME ON MY BACK!

BBT: What are you doing?? Why are you fighting me? Turtles don’t belong on their backs! Stop fighting me! You’re making this really hard!!

OT: YOU @#$#@ SUUUUUUUUUCK!

(42 seconds, where BBT turns OT back onto her feet)

BBT: There you go, friend. All better.

(44 seconds)

OT: Fuck you.

BBT: Well now that you mention it… I was thinking we should fertilize some eggs soon.

OT: No, fuck you in the hostile, get-away-from-me way. Get lost. You are such a dumbass.

BBT: You’ll thank me soon.

OT: No, I won’t. Stop following me.

BBT: Come on girl, give me some action.

* * * * * *

Turtles. I better get back to tiling.