It’s been two days since I learned almost nothing from my second mammogram. I’ve spent nearly every waking hour since then pretending I can accurately guess whether I have cancer or not, and feeling very grumpy about how long it takes to get answers, and also feeling very grumpy about how much premature anxiety I’m generating for no good reason.
I know very little. I saw the scan–there was a small area with a bit of white glitter, which I guess is the micro-calcification. I know what the radiologist actually said. The scan is “inconclusive.” He shrugged as he said it. 80% of boobs he refers for biopsy come back negative. When I asked him what the worst-case scenario was, he answered with a nod and without missing a micro-second beat, “DCIS.” (The mammo tech gave me the full name, ductal carcinoma in situ, which middle-of-the-night googling told me is like stage zero cancer. )
I’ve spent a lot of time reading meaning into the 2 minutes I spent with the radiologist. On one hand, I’m convinced he meant exactly what he said. On the other, I’m convinced he was holding out, and that if he was being straight he would have told me he’s pretty darn sure I have DCIS and should prepare myself. I infer this merely from his very quick answer, and that’s just silly. (unless it isn’t)
The rate of useless ideation on this subject is finally slowing down, just in time for my meeting tomorrow with the surgeon doing the biopsy, after which we can actually schedule it. What a waste of time. I suppose he’ll want to explain the procedure, but I’ll probably be sedated during it so it’s not like I’d be able to use that information for anything. I don’t really want to understand how he biopsies me; I want to know if I have cancer. Then he’ll ask if I have any questions. Sure doc. Do I have cancer? Duh.
I wonder if I could speed things up by taking charge of the meet/greet tomorrow. I’ll march in, strip myself naked, grab my right breast and shake it in his face while screaming “BIOPSY ME ALREADY” madly, again and again. It may help speed up scheduling anyway.