Maximum grumpy edition today. Five interminable minutes into trying to help Jesse figure out some multiplication tricks before she heads to school, while Nick intercedes with random animal noises and disruptive behaviors, my mood sinks swiftly from irritable to irate:

Nick, cut it out.

BAYA BAYA BAYA NANANANA

Nick. Stop it. Now.

(Laughing while he pokes my boobs and ass)

IT’S NOT FUNNY.

Nyeh nyeh nyeh banana

NICHOLAS, CUT IT OUT NOW.

(giggling while he burrows his head under my butt on the sofa)

NICHOLAS, THIS IS NOT FUNNY. YOU WILL SPEND THE ENTIRE [silent f***ing] DAY WITH ME, BECAUSE I’M GOING ON THE [silent god-awful] FIELD TRIP WITH YOUR CLASS. JESSE WON’T SEE ME ALL DAY. I NEVER GET TO PLAY WITH HER BECAUSE OF YOU [silent you jackass]. I AM ALLOWED TO GIVE JESSE ATTENTION [silent even though she’s a jackass too]. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO MATTERS. SHE MATTERS TOO. [silent why am I talking so loud this morning?]

(tears and snarfly voice from the little guy)

I will just, just… I will just go upstairs now, mommy.

NO [silent oh em gee you’re such a little cutie]. YOU COME HERE RIGHT NOW. GIVE ME A HUG. I CAN BE ANGRY AT YOU AND STILL LOVE YOU. I CAN GIVE JESSE ATTENTION AND STILL LOVE YOU.

Okay, okay. I will just go upstairs now.

(wonderful peaceful silence for 3 minutes until, from the stairs…)

Mommy? I have to poop.

Okay, then go poop. [silent why now??] Do it fast because we have to take Jesse to school in three minutes.

What does three minutes mean?

Go sit on the can. NOW.

(grunting noises)

Okay I’m done now, mommy.

(butt wiping)

That poop hurt, mommy.

I’m sorry buddy. Wash your hands and pull up your pants.

(dawdling)

NOW. WASH YOUR HANDS NOW. WE HAVE TO TAKE JESSE TO SCHOOL.

(washes. doesn’t dry)

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT WIPING YOUR WET HANDS ON ME OR JESSE. NO ONE THINKS THAT’S FUNNY. USE THE TOWEL. NOW. YOU ARE FIVE YEARS OLD. YOU NEED TO CHANGE THESE IRRITATING HABITS. I AM SICK OF TELLING YOU THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER.

(Jesse wanders upstairs for a peaceful word)

Mom. Can you stop being so mean to Nick? Stop being so angry.

????

[silent omg that’s so sweet she’s sticking up for him!] ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ALL YOU GUYS DO IS FIGHT. YOU’RE ALWAYS YELLING AT NICK FOR THIS SAME STUFF THAT’S BOTHERING ME TODAY. MAYBE IF YOU GUYS DIDN’T FIGHT AND YELL AT EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME WHEN YOU’RE TOGETHER [silent I’m exaggerating, aren’t I] I WOULDN’T BE SO FRUSTRATED THIS MORNING. GET YOUR SHOES AND SWEATERS ON. IT’S TIME TO GO. NOW.

(Nick decides this is the time to suddenly want to do his own sweater zipper)

I WILL DO IT FOR YOU [silent even though I should let you do it, but I will shrivel into an emotional prune if I have to wait patiently for this today]. YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME DO IT. THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T KNOW HOW. THIS IS NOT THE TIME.

(Jesse intercedes again.)

It’s because you’re such a nice helpful mommy and you help us with these things.

[silent well aren’t you just the smug little la-dee-da-dee]

(quick exit to car for drive to school, because I bribe my minions with “fruit” roll-ups. Total junk, full of processed sugar and carcinogenic dyes. They should be called what they are. We call kale “kale” and apples “apples.” We should call rolled up dyed sugar strips “dyed sugar roll-ups.” Anyway, it’s a perfect way to start the day in America. As we’re walking Jesse to the school doors, a friend of hers appears and they walk in together. Nick takes the opportunity to shove his fingers in the friend’s face. She tolerates it, as she has a million times before. Nick and I say good bye and walk back to the car.)

Nick, I have told you a thousand hundred million times to NOT DO THAT TO PEOPLE. IT IS NOT OKAY. NO ONE LIKES IT. NO. ONE. EVER. IF YOU NEED TO STICK YOUR [silent sticky f***ing] FINGERS IN SOMEONE’S FACE, STICK THEM IN YOUR OWN FACE [silent you little sh**]. NO ONE ELSE’S. EVER. [silent gosh I’m feeling awfully emphatic today]

(sniveling)

Okay mommy, okay okay.

(standing next to the car now)

I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH ALL YOUR [silent f***ing] BAD HABITS ON THE SCHOOL FIELD TRIP TODAY. I WILL BE SO ANGRY IF YOU SPEND ALL THAT TIME ON THE SCHOOL BUS AND ON THE FIELD TRIP TRYING TO STICK YOUR [silent f***ing] HANDS UP MY SHIRT AND TOUCH MY BUTT AND ALL THAT ANNOYING STUFF. I WILL BE SO [silent f***ing] ANGRY. [silent Carla, get a grip on yourself]

Okay mommy. Okay. [tiny voice] When we get home I will just go finish a time out.

(pulling into the driveway after totally silent drive home, which is very nice indeed)

Mommy, I will just leave you alone until you aren’t so angry with me, okay?

Wise little boy.

* * * *

I’m keeping it classy and batshit crazy in Wisconsin. I hope you are too, wherever you are.