I’m obsessed with my new neti pot, the most spectacular snot-sluicing ceramic container I’ve ever come across.

I’ve been really sick with a cold — the 87th cold in our household this winter — and I finally started feeling really guilty about using the Simply Saline nose hoses. I’ve been hosing like mad to try to get this illness cleared out without resort to medicine. With the Simply Saline devices, I generate so much garbage. I could be showering my sinuses instead with a re-usable thingy.

So I got right on Amazon and ordered me a neti pot made by the Himalayan Institute. With the word “Himalayan” in the company name, I knew I could trust the manufacturer. And, according to the product blurb, the neti pot “has been used for thousands of years in Ayurvedic medicine to alleviate allergy and sinus problems.”

Thousands of years! Let’s hope that’s TEN thousand, because then this neti pot is Paleo-worthy, duuude, it’s evolutionary maaaan. I don’t know what “Ayurvedic” is but it sounds caveman when I say it, especially with all this phlegm in my throat.

I hosed my nose with the neti pot 3 times yesterday. It felt so goooood I just couldn’t stop. I let Anthony watch me do it once, as a sort of demo. He stared at me with concern as I started to pour. “Is that coming out of your other nose hole?”

Yeah, that’s right baby. It’s HOT, isn’t it? I bet Anthony wanted a piece of this action after he saw snotty water dripping out my nose into the sink.

But this morning I woke up feeling terrible for the 8th consecutive day and my eyes looked like vampire eyes. At Anthony’s urging, I went over to the clinic. Now I’m on antibiotics for a sinus infection and antibiotic drops for pinkeye.

In this age of careful, critical thinking on matters of medicine, climate, and all things science, we all know one truth: correlation constitutes causation. Call it the Three C’s of Post-Modern Pseudo-Scientific Thought. You’re probably already familiar with this  trending philosophy, also known as PMP-SciT (pronounced “pimps-it” by those in-the-know).

And also we all know, once you hit the Three C’s, the next truth is that SOMEONE IS TO BLAME, followed by the close corollary SOMEONE MUST PAY. These are fundamental to the philosophy of PMP-SciT.

What is, is. I used the neti pot for the first time yesterday. Today I have a sinus infection and pink eye. Naturally, I blame my all-natural neti pot. It’s true that my eyes were sort of gummy day before yesterday, and my nose was full of unholy clogs of snot day before yesterday (and the day before that and the day before that…), but I was not diagnosed with pinkeye and a sinus infection until today, the day after I used my new neti pot. So that settles it.

I will never use a neti pot again. I have done research since my adverse reaction to the neti pot. Now I know THE TRUTH. Neti pots cause eye infections and can kill you by delivering a lethal dose of a flesh-eating amoeba to your brain. My friend Larry posted up a photo of the amoeba for me:

My god.  It’s looking at me. It’s wearing Minion glasses. Are YOU feeling lucky, dear neti pot user?

I googled “dangers of neti pots” and found all sorts of scary stuff. Did you know that medical doctors — members of that blasted, lying profession that dares to tell us it’s safe to vaccinate our kids — seem to recommend reasonable use of the neti pot? WTF?? Why would we do anything they recommend??

I’m experiencing terrible, terrible cognitive dissonance. I used the neti pot to avoid modern medicine. The neti pot made me turn to modern medicine. The natural salt water may cause my brain to be eaten by amoebas. The antibiotics will eat everything in my intestines. Uuugh, uuugh, does not compute, does not compute.

I don’t know what I can do about it. Just tell me one thing. Where do I find the neti pot adverse outcome hotline and database? I need to file a report and make a claim. There’s got to be some money in this somewhere.