Why would I ever follow a link to one of those stupid quiz apps that floats across Facebook? What’s your true personality? (psycho) What percentage slob are you? (100%) What’s the perfect dog for you? (obviously not the one I have) How powerful is your purple Id? (kind of mauve) Can this app guess when you last pooped? (recently, but I won’t say more)

So why did I click the link to go see what my name’s hidden meaning is?

C – A – R – L – A. And here’s what I learned about me:

I AM VERY HYPER.

No. Say it ain’t so.

The description of my name’s hidden meaning goes on from the hyper thing thusly: “You never slow down, even when it’s killing you. You’re the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day… and still have the energy to party all night. Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe.”

Stop. All stop. First and most important, no one — NO ONE — is addicted to my vibe. I am not a magnet, unless it’s for food waste that weirdly removes itself from my kids’ faces and places itself on my clothing. Also I can’t party all night. I’m 48 years old and I have two young children. Jeez. I’d just like to sleep all night for once. That would feel like a party to me.

And anyway, don’t you think “hyper” is a gender-based insult? Do guys get called hyper? I don’t think so. Only women get called hyper. Also small dogs. Men get called “energetic” or some shit like that.

I know how to test this theory. Hold on a minute while I go open a new Safari window and use that stupid hidden name meaning app on my male counterpart. C – A – R – L. My grandpa, after whom I was named. Carla is just the female version of Carl, and vice versa, so the outcome should be the same right?

I’ll be right back.

Oh come ON. CARL the MAN is “usually the best at everything.” Carl “strive[s] for perfection” and is “confident, authoritative and aggressive.” He has the classic Type A personality.

Well hose me down with a stream of skunk piss. I’m just a hyper workaholic, killing myself and partying too much at night. If I were a MAN, I’d be the best at everything and confident AND authoritative AND aggressive.

Damn. Who writes those stupid quiz apps anyway? What a strange way to make a living.