I’m slowing down on Costco shopping, because they have too many oversized options and I end up throwing a lot out. As Anthony once said, everything comes in a three-pack, and inevitably there’s one really awful option, like the three-jar jam pack that includes strawberry, raspberry, and dingleberry flavors.

But when Christmas approaches, I look to Costco for gift ideas. They’ve got all those cookie boxes, and Harry & David gift sets, and over-packaged kids’ toys, and enormous outdoor holiday decorations… So I went on-line to shop today, which is always a mistake. I’m easily distracted when I shop on-line, because I can click my mouse sooooo fast, and then I get lost in the labyrinth. There’s an on-line “grocery and floral” menu option, which led me to ask myself, what grocery items can be sold on-line? Can I buy my seaweed snack packs on-line? Mmmm. Tempting.

But when I entered that screen room, the real bait was waiting for me. 109 items available under the category “Emergency Kits and Supplies.” Excellent! Must explore! Last year Anthony turned me on to the idea of buying an Emergency Cube of dehydrated food, which would feed our family for a full year. I had forgotten all about it until now.

What could be better than hermetically sealed, dehydrated foods for the holidays? All I have to do on Christmas day is boil some water and voila! Instead of cooking from scratch for several days before Christmas, I can spend those precious hours yelling at my kids for being overstimulated and anxious about Big Scary Red Man breaking into the house on Christmas Eve. Then on Christmas day, instead of throwing a large chunk of animal flesh in the oven and fussing about over a special meal that ends up being served cold anyway, I can focus on yelling at the kids some more for breaking half their Christmas booty already and leaving the other half all over the floor for me to step on.

I’m in. With the high quality emergency food supplies available at Costco, I’ll make a feast even our dog can enjoy by starting with this excellent meat product:

Doesn’t that look yum? That’s the premium freeze-dried variety meat pack, chicken, ground beef and roast beef. I think I’ll use all three, because these tasty meat bits are “the perfect building blocks for tasty meals in a jiffy.” I’ll serve the premium rehydrated meat over Macaroni Pasta —

— with this cheese and alfredo sauce, which “will make any ordinary plate of pasta more appetizing.” Not delicious, tasty, or amazing, mind you. Just “more appetizing.” I think they could have replaced those two words with “suck less,” but I guess that’s why I’m not in marketing.

That’s 540 servings of more appetizing alfredo sauce in the six gallon weather-proof bucket, my friends, and we only have five in the house (including the dog). So if the apocalypse comes sooner than I anticipate, I can use any leftover alfredo sauce to caulk the windows and keep out toxic air, and then I can use the empty bucket to haul water from the river, assuming it hasn’t been poisoned with radioactive sludge.

Let’s not forget veggies. Peas. Potatoes. More yum.

Maybe I can mix them together for some sort of vegetable porridge. Then I don’t have to worry about measuring the amount of boiling water I add.

By the way, why is it important to market this packaging method?

This is what I’d expect for a crate of Depends or tampons, maybe a life-time supply of preparation H for those apocalyptic hemorrhoids… But potatoes in a can? I don’t get it.

Anyway, I’m losing my way here. Oh. Dessert. Fruit of course. I guess I don’t have to stew it. Just add water.

Or maybe I’ll serve it just like they’ve shown it here. It’s like a cornucopia thing, only with cans.

Alright then. My menu is set for Christmas.